I am Tim Bolen.
– I am running for Mayor
Timmy Bolen for Mayor—let’s cut the fluff. It’s time for real change, not just the same old promises. Voters need a straightforward approach to tackling local issues without all the political jargon. If Bolen focuses on practical solutions to improve our community, he stands a chance to connect with people who are tired of empty rhetoric. After all, it’s about making a difference, not just campaigning for the sake of it.
Why should you vote for Timmy?
Pro Business
Vote for Timmy Bolen for Mayor—because if we can survive his dad’s failed pizza shop, we can survive anything! Timmy knows business like he knows how to dodge a parking ticket—expertly. He promises to cut red tape faster than you can say “corporate tax loophole” and turn our city into a thriving marketplace where even the pigeons are selling artisanal cupcakes! Let’s face it, when it comes to making deals, Timmy is the only politician who could barter his way out of a lemonade stand without a lemon in sight. So, let’s make our city the business capital of fun and laughter—vote Timmy!
Pro Housing
Vote for Timmy Bolen: the only mayoral candidate who promises to turn every vacant lot into affordable housing or a giant slide! Tired of skyrocketing rent? Let’s build homes faster than you can say “housing crisis”! His plan includes a “get-out-of-your-parents’-basement” initiative; if you’re still living there, he’ll personally provide pizza and motivational speeches to help you move out! Forget about “Location, Location, Location” —Timmy’s motto is “Roof, Roof, Hooray!” So, let’s put a roof over every head and make housing so affordable, even your goldfish could afford a penthouse!
Anti-Crime
In the world of politics, solving crime seems to be a lot like trying to find a parking spot during a concert—good luck! You can tell the politicians are serious about it when they start throwing around phrases like “public safety” and “community policing,” but let’s be honest: their biggest crime might just be committing to a lengthy, jargon-filled speech that makes even the criminals doze off! At the end of the day, we’d all prefer a mayor who doesn’t just pledge to clean up the streets but also remembers to provide a sense of humor while doing it—because if we can’t laugh at the absurdity of political promises, we might just end up crying!
Education and Experiences
PhD in Meme Studies – 2008-2010
From – The Institute of Overthinking
Timmy Bolen claims he earned a PhD in “Memeology,” arguing that understanding internet memes equips him to connect with younger voters on vital issues like taxes and public transport—because nothing says fiscal responsibility like a grumpy cat.
Expert in “Procrastination Management” – 2010-2014
From – The Academy of Rhetorical Excellence
Bolen touts his extensive experience in procrastination, declaring it’s a key skill for avoiding rash decisions in politics. His motto? “Why decide now when you can just wait for a better meme?”
Professional Chicken Dance Instructor – 2014-2015
From – P.S. 69
He proudly lists “Certified Chicken Dance Instructor” as part of his background, promising to bring rhythm to local governance and suggesting that community meetings can be solved by a well-coordinated group dance.
Degrees from “The University of Bad Decisions” – 2015-2020
From – Dunder Mifflin School of Paper Management
He humorously claims multiple degrees from this fictitious institution, emphasizing how each poor choice taught him resilience—a skill he promises to apply to future policy-making.